Damn,
I thought in disgust, as I find myself once again behind an ugly, orange
desk. So what birthday card was it this
time, I wondered? And there’s that déjà
vu feeling I get whenever I find myself here.
But I never remember being here before until I’m actually here. The paradox makes my head spin.
Glancing
around at what I can see of the vast, empty room, I see the usual stuff. The pumpkin-colored desk and the black chair
I’m fidgeting in. Sometimes the desk is
black and the chair orange. But always
the same color scheme. Since my first
visit here, I always wondered if the décor was based on a holiday theme. I was born in October. My youngest sister was a Valentine’s Day
baby. I wonder if her motif is red and
white.
But
I never have a chance to ask her. We
aren’t meant to remember these yearly excursions.
Okay,
let’s see if I can do it this year.
Straining as hard as I can, my back threatening to give out, I push
against the arms of the chair, trying to stand up. Sweat trickling down my face, my arms
trembling with exertion, I finally give up and sit back down with a heavy sigh
of resignation. I think I moved two
inches. It’s like the chair is a magnet
and my body the steel. Or more likely the
chair is a magnet for water, seeing as how our bodies are mostly water. Each year I give my best heroic effort. Each year I fail. Maybe when I come back here on my sixtieth
birthday I will finally quit trying.
Probably be too weak by then anyway.
My
first task over with, I start to survey the room. The room hasn’t changed. Still looks like I am sitting in a huge fogbank. I can clearly see several feet around me,
than everything past that point becomes blurry, indistinct. The lighting is a soft, white glare, enough
to give you a headache, if you try looking too closely or long. My eyes squinted against the glare, I try
looking for walls or a ceiling.
Nothing. I have no idea how big
the room is, but my impression is that’s its endless. How many other people are in this same room
at the same time? Must be a lot. I’m not the only person born on October 16th.
Knowing
I can’t be the only person in the room, I concentrate hard, trying to listen for any noises or
sounds. All I ever hear is a faint
hum. But I’m never sure if that humming
is from my ears or the room. Through dry
lips, I blow out a low, short whistle.
The sound floats in the air for a few feet, then stops, as if being
absorbed. I loudly call out, “Echo. Echo.
Echo.” I used to feel dumb doing
that, but not anymore. Now I just feel
peeved. Once again the sound travels a
few feet, then just stops.
About
now is when I start getting jittery. I
hate not being in control. Not being
able to see in front of me, let alone behind me. Panic Attack, here I come. Okay, take some deep calming breaths. Get that heart rate down. In.
Out. In. Out.
Much better. I‘m not a newbie at
this anymore, I chide myself. I have
been here plenty of years to know that some monster isn’t slowly creeping up
behind me to eat my brains. But what if
this year is the exception? Oh
damn. In. Out.
In. Out.
Quit
it, I admonish myself. You know why
you’re here. Now get to business.
I
reluctantly look down at the birthday card that started this who process. It is resting innocently on top of the ugly
desk. Of course, it’s not really a
birthday card. It just looks that way
until you open the envelope. Now it’s a
tri-folded legal-sized piece of paper.
I am not the sort that checks my mail on a regular basis. In fact, the post office is lucky if I check
my mail every three weeks. But, on my
birthday, I am compelled to check my mail.
I have no choice. Lucky me, I
thought sadly.
What
if I were driving when I opened the card?
Would there be an accident? Would
I just disappear? I have never heard
about people disappearing and then reappearing.
So maybe this is a time-warp type of trip. I could be sitting here for hours, but it
might only be a second in my reality.
Biting
my lip, with a soft crinkling, I slowly unfold the piece of paper. Across the top, in 22 pt, black, bold type it
reads: Lease on Life for Pamela Jean Forbes.
I have held this lease in my hands since I turned eighteen. Once I became an adult. If this is a yearly ordeal, who signed my
lease for me before I turned eighteen?
My parents? Maybe just my
mother. Since she gave me life, that
would made sense. I wonder if she was
relieved when she no longer had to vouch for me.
With
sweaty palms, I smoothed out the legal paper.
This is my eighth lease.
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